I've spent many, many years coaching and training professionals on their presence, their voice, and their ability to influence others. And I've noticed something that costs organizations millions in lost ideas, stalled innovation, and fractured trust.
High performers stay silent in meetings.
Not because they lack insight or because they don't care. They stay silent because somewhere along the way, they decided that speaking up without being asked is disrespectful. It’s rude, they will come across condescending and be met with resistance.
We learned this as children. Respect your elders. Don't challenge authority. If someone above you is speaking, you listen. And somewhere along the way, that became a rule we can't break, even when we're the one with the answer the room needs. Just because someone has a higher title or more experience doesn't mean your contribution isn't valid. In fact, the group likely needs to hear it.
I coached a leader recently who was brilliant but invisible in meetings. This person had insights everyone needed, but she'd rather disappear than risk looking presumptuous. When they had finally started speaking up, when she asked the clarifying questions instead of staying silent, something shifted. People in that same meeting started saying: Thank you for bringing that up. I had the same question but was too afraid to say it.
Those moments change you when you pay attention to them and start putting the reps in. Once you start speaking up, you realize that other people are thinking the same things. Your silence doesn’t serve others, and it is cheating the room , your department and organization out of value, creativity or a solution that will help everyone.
Speaking up is leadership. You inspire others to do the same, and you create a space that feels safe enough for them to speak up. If you're leading a meeting, solicit feedback. Ask others to speak up, ask what ideas they have. The more you can create that room, the more others will start to share their ideas.
But there's another version of this problem that I see just as often.
I've coached leaders who do the opposite. They speak up. But they do it reactionary. They come in hot. They've lost their emotional control before they even open their mouth, and everyone around them can feel it. I had a client who tended to be a little too direct for others’ liking, and the people around them felt attacked. Instead of opening up and engaging, they shut down. They will check out, stop listening and start wondering if they should trust you.
When you lose control of your state, raise your voice and become demanding, you completely lose the room. It doesn't matter how good the idea is. The nervous system of everyone else in that room registers threat, not opportunity. And here's the part that compounds: you don't just lose credibility at that moment. You lose it moving forward. Trust is broken, and broken trust is exponentially harder to rebuild than it is to build in the first place. If shows that you are not in control, you come across inconsistent and that is the quickest way to lose trust.
So how do you do this well? How do you speak up without bulldozing? How do you influence without being reactionary?
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It comes down to state management. Your physiology is your foundation. Before you walk into that meeting, you're already managing your nervous system. Box breathing. Anticipating the pushback. Scripting the questions you'll ask instead of the statements you'll make. When you ask a question instead of making a demand, something shifts. Your nervous system relaxes. You start listening instead of waiting to respond. And people feel that difference.
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Get curious: Listen at a deeper level. Listen for what people are saying versus the generalizations they're making. Listen for potentially vague information, read their body language and ask more open-ended questions.. Instead of following up with a demand, follow up with curiosity. Practice asking clarifying questions. This does two things: it keeps you from becoming reactive, and it gives people permission to open up instead of shutting down.
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Permission: You're not speaking up because you need to be right. Think about why you are speaking up? What is the intent? Is it because you want to share something that will be helpful and avoid a potential pitfall or is it a selfish reason? You should be speaking up because other people in that room are thinking the same thing and are too afraid to say it. Or because your idea adds value to the group, not because your idea needs defending or you want to look smart in the room. When it's about them and not about you, the whole dynamic changes. People feel it in your energy and your intent.
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The final piece is consistency. One idea might get shot down. That doesn't mean it was a bad idea. It’s not personal. It could mean the relationships in that room, the dynamics you can't see, affected how it landed. So you keep bringing ideas. You keep asking questions. You keep building trust. Because trust is the structure that lets people open up, engage, and bring their best thinking to the table.
Professionals who build that trust end up with teams that aren't afraid to challenge them. Teams that bring their best thinking. They don't become “yes people” nodding along while the organization stays flat and doesn’t grow.. “Yes people “ might feel safe, but for your organizational growth, this is dangerous. They're the fastest way to kill organizational performance. People may agree with you, but if they fear speaking up with ideas, solutions and problems, because you will shut down, you will be unable to head to your next level of performance.
Your confidence isn't built by staying safe. It's built by doing the reps, over and over again. Each time you speak up, each time you ask the right question, each time you stay present instead of reactive, you're building the neural pathways that make it easier the next time. Over time, you shift and it becomes the norm to speak up and do it with confidence. The people around you feel that shift. They will feel your confidence and leadership presence, start to trust you, open up more. And suddenly, you're not just influencing the room. You're transforming it.
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