Everyone is talking about how to communicate better: tone of voice, body language, storytelling frameworks, executive presence. Courses get built around it. Workshops get designed for it. People wanting to influence without authority. And while those things have their place, they are all working at the surface. They are missing the root entirely.
Real influence does not start with what you say. It starts with what you are operating from when you say it.
It reminds me of once when I sat in a meeting and watched a leader try to push through a change initiative. The words were right. The logic was sound. The ideas were prepared. But something was off and everyone in that room felt it. The leader was frazzled, visibly stressed, carrying an edge of frustration and irritation that had not been addressed before walking in. People did not get curious. They did not lean in or ask questions. They shut down. Some even appeared fearful.
You could see it in the room; people trying to make sense of what they were picking up on, something they could feel but could not quite name. The attempt to influence produced the exact opposite effect.
That moment has stayed with me for years because it is one of the clearest examples of what happens when what you are saying does not match what you are broadcasting. People are wired to detect incongruency. They may not be able to articulate it, but they feel it immediately. And when something feels off, trust disappears before a single decision gets made. You can detect someone’s energy quickly. Before a word is even spoken.
Here is what most leadership development conversations ignore entirely. Every single one of us is operating behind the scenes with things other people cannot see clearly: the subconscious thoughts running in the background, the emotions we learned in corporate America not to vocalize, the anxiety and pressure and frustration we carry into the room and pretend we left at the door. Our past experiences that help us navigate our world. We are deciding, reacting, choosing, behaving, based on the way we see the world. We do not leave it at the door. It shows up in how we speak, how short we are with people, whether we seem rushed, whether our nervous system is regulated or not. It leaks into every interaction whether we intend it to or not.
The problem is that most high performers have been in a particular state for so long that it has become a pattern they cannot see. It feels normal, because it is. It feels like just how they operate. And because no one has identified it or reflected it back to them, they keep moving through rooms, meetings, and conversations completely unaware of what they are actually communicating. You cannot change what you cannot see.
Real influence begins as an inside job. If you want to shift how you show up at work and home, start here.
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Your state is always broadcasting. Most leaders have no real awareness of the state they are walking around in. Reactive, stressed, running from meeting to meeting with no space to reset or recalibrate. Reactivity creates inconsistency, and inconsistency makes it nearly impossible to build the kind of trust that influence requires. Before a big presentation, a difficult conversation, or a high stakes meeting, your state matters as much as your preparation. How you prime yourself before you walk into a room is part of the work. Proactive state management is a requirement for leaders who want to genuinely move people. You can do this through deep breathing, activity, hydrating, sleeping well, etc.
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Your mindset shapes what is possible. Carol Dweck's research on growth versus fixed mindset applies directly to leadership and influence. If you want the people around you to flex, adapt, and grow, you have to be operating from that same orientation yourself. A fixed mindset leaks into all areas of your life, including those that you lead and the potential clients who are buying from you. People sense when someone is defending a position rather than genuinely open to what could emerge. Real influence comes from curiosity and expansion, not from protecting what you already know or controlling the outcome of every conversation.
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Your energy is contagious. This is grounded in science. When you walk into a room depleted and running on fumes, you are asking people to be moved by someone who has nothing left to give. It’s like trying to operate a car with no gas in the tank. How you nourish your body, protect your mental health, and build genuine recovery into your routine directly impacts the quality of presence you bring to every conversation. Sleep, movement, what you consume, how you manage stress... these are not personal wellness choices that exist outside of your leadership. They are the foundation of it. Energy management is not a luxury. It is a leadership strategy. You cannot lead others if you cannot lead yourself.Your attention is your most powerful tool. The leaders who influence most effectively are not the ones doing the most talking. They are likable because they are the ones who make people feel genuinely heard. Listening with real curiosity, asking questions that open things up rather than close them down, making another person feel like the most important voice in the room... that is influence. They put people first vs. their business agenda. Most people are too busy preparing their next point to actually absorb what is being said in front of them. Curiosity is a skill and most leaders have stopped practicing it when they are overloaded with change and competing priorities.
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Your attention is your most powerful tool. The leaders who influence most effectively are not the ones doing the most talking. They are likable because they are the ones who make people feel genuinely heard. Listening with real curiosity, asking questions that open things up rather than close them down, making another person feel like the most important voice in the room... that is influence. They put people first vs. their business agenda. Most people are too busy preparing their next point to actually absorb what is being said in front of them. Curiosity is a skill and most leaders have stopped practicing it when they are overloaded with change and competing priorities.
- Influence requires a shared vision, not a pushed agenda. When a leader stops pushing and starts building something together, everything changes. People resist being micromanaged and controlled. None of us want to be told what to do, how to do it and who to reach out to. We want to be empowered to make decisions and trust ourselves. The best leaders know how to ask more questions and build confidence in others. People do not resist ideas and projects that they helped create. There is a significant difference between inviting others into a vision and telling them where they are going. One builds ownership. The other builds resistance. The moment leadership becomes about compliance rather than contribution, the room is already checked out.
The leaders I coach who develop the most real and lasting influence are not necessarily the most polished communicators. They are the most self aware. They have done the work to understand what is running inside of them and they manage it with intention before they ever try to lead someone else.
You cannot get to the root by working only on the surface.
Start with your state. Master that first. Everything else builds from there. If you want to book a call and learn more about our workshops and 1:1 coaching you can book a call.
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