Last week brought me back to something I’ve seen over and over again in my work.
I spent time with more than 60 leaders in one room, and I also had 5+ 1:1 coaching conversations, and across all of it, the same pattern kept showing up.
Not in skill and not in capability.
In how people were thinking, interpreting, and reacting.
One moment stood out.
We were in the middle of a practice dialogue, working through a real communication scenario. Instead of stepping in myself, I had someone in the room coach another leader through it.
That’s when things started to click.
As they talked it through, you could see the shift happening. People weren’t just focused on what to say, they were realizing how much their internal lens was shaping everything. It happens in what they hear, what they assume, their physiological response to feedback and conversation and how they verbally respond.
The breakthrough wasn’t about better words. It was about clearer thinking and more listening.
That same pattern showed up again in a 1:1 session later that week.
This client described their days as “chaos” and “busy.”
Every meeting felt urgent, directives felt like they were coming from every direction imaginable. All the conversations coming through email and Teams felt like they were personally pointed.
As we slowed things down, we realized something important:
It wasn’t just what was happening.
It was what they were making it mean.
Once we separated facts from assumptions, beliefs, and past experiences, everything started to shift.
I gave my clients a simple tool to use in meetings:
Before responding, regulate your body first through specific tools.
Then ask yourself:
“What is actually being said here?”
Within days, they were leading and showing up in rooms more calmly, communicating more clearly, and no longer taking everything personally.
Nothing around them changed. They did. Their interpretation, their intention shifted and that is powerful. That is the power we all have. When we lean into our role in the “chaos” or the “calm” we realize that we have so much more control over how our personal and professional lives are.
In almost 18 years of doing this work, this is what continues to stand out:
Most people are not struggling because they lack skill. They are operating from old patterns and stories they never questioned. Some of them continue to be on repeat in the background …subconsciously.
Stories from teachers, managers, parents, or early experiences that sounded like:
“You’re not polished enough.” “You need to slow down.” “You’re missing things.” “You’re too loud.” “You need to study more and work harder to earn XYZ.”
Those moments stick whether we want to admit it or not.
And instead of challenging them, we carry them forward, letting them shape how we show up today.
So when feedback comes in now, it doesn’t land as neutral information.
It lands on top of an old story. And from there, the reaction kicks in.
Defensiveness. The overthinking, pressure or even shutting down. All of it happening automatically.
This is why the real foundation of high performance is not just communication or leadership skills.
It’s mindset, emotional awareness and managing your state.
Because how you feel and how you interpret will always drive how you show up. You feel that you are being triggered by things and you have no control over it, but in reality, you are allowing yourself to feel that way and you can work to overcome those emotions, feelings and show up calmly and confidently.
If you want to start strengthening that foundation, here are a few areas to focus on this week:
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Pause your reaction
Give yourself a few seconds before responding, especially in moments that feel charged. That pause creates space to think instead of react. Think of it like an opportunity to collect your thoughts. Determine the reality in the message. Is this truly something I need to respond to right now? -
Separate facts from meaning
Ask yourself: What was actually said? Decode the words.
What did I make it mean? What filter am I putting this through? Am I projecting a past experience into this experience? -
Get curious instead of defensive
Instead of assuming intent, ask for clarity. “What would you like to see differently?”
Curiosity keeps you grounded. Assumptions pull you off track.
“Can you give me an example?” The messages we read and hear are rarely the entire story. Ask more questions, to understand the hidden meaning or misunderstood communication. -
Pay attention to your language
If everything feels “chaotic” or “overwhelming,” pause and ask if that is the reality, or the interpretation you’ve been reinforcing. The more you say what you are feeling, the more it will show up in your world. Your brain is plastic and you will rewire it to see what you want. -
Manage your state before you lead others
Your breathing, posture, and presence matter. A regulated state and nervous system allows you to hear clearly, respond thoughtfully, and lead with intention. Often, we have a certain way we react to stress and we default to it without thinking.
Everything is information. Until you assign meaning to it. And that meaning will either support you… or work against you.
Every day I train and coach high performers, executives and leaders is a reminder that people don’t need more tools as much as they need to understand what’s driving how they use the tools.
When you learn to manage your mindset and your state, everything else becomes more accessible.
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Communication improves.
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Confidence builds.
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Leadership feels more natural.
So I’ll leave you with this:
Where in your life are you reacting to a story… instead of responding to what is actually happening? And what would change if you started questioning that story?
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