You're Not Talking to the Person. You're Talking to Your Interpretation

I walked into a meeting a few months ago with a warning already given without solicitation.

Several people told me this leader was difficult. High expectations, hard to read, careful how you approach them. I'd heard some version of that sentence before, about different leaders, at different companies, more times than I can count in my career.

I try to leave that warning at the door anyway. Not because I doubt the people giving it to me; they mean well, and they're trying to prepare me. But their read on someone isn't always my read on someone. This has happened time after time. I’m “warned,” and then when I meet this person, they are kind, interesting, compassionate, and bright.

By the end of that meeting, the person I'd been warned about was one of the more thoughtful, empathetic leaders I'd sat with in a while. Genuinely invested in developing their people. Transparent about what they were thinking. Curious about my perspective and experience, instead of guarded against it.

None of what I'd been told turned out to be a lie. It was someone else's experience, handed to me as if it were fact.

What is actually happening here?

Every one of us builds a map and filters based on our own history and experiences in life: what's happened to us, what's hurt us, what's worked. That map isn't always someone else’s. It's just our version of it, shaped by a limited set of experiences with a limited set of people.

The danger is when we stop treating it like a map and start treating it like it is the end-all and be-all.

I ask my clients this constantly: where has that person actually demonstrated the thing you're describing? Give me an example.

Half the time, they can't. The other half, they can, but when we look closely at that one example, it doesn't hold up the label they've built around it. "They're always difficult" turns into "they were short with me twice, in stressful weeks, three months ago."

That gap between "always" and "twice" is where relationships are damaged. Where good people get written off. Where leaders stop investing in someone because they've already decided the outcome. Another leader has advised them that this person doesn’t have the capability. I’ve seen this happen where someone moves departments under a different leader and they start to grow quickly, learn more, step up more, and build greater confidence. 

Your brain is doing this on purpose

There's a part of your brain called the RAS. Its job is to filter the flood of information around you and decide what's worth your attention. Once you decide someone is cold, or difficult, or not a strong performer, that filter goes to work! It starts pulling forward every moment that confirms the label and belief and quietly dropping the moments that don't.

You're not imagining the pattern. You built it.

I see this constantly with clients, and it runs in both directions.

• The generous filter. Ask a leader about their strongest employee, and you'll hear "they always deliver, they're always on time, they always show up." Ask if that's true a hundred percent of the time and most leaders pause. It isn't. Their brain has been collecting the good evidence and discarding the rest.

• The punishing filter. Ask about someone they've labeled difficult and the story flips. Every late reply, every short answer, every off day gets filed as more proof. One client had written off most of their team as unqualified, based on a handful of mistakes. This is where it shows up, and it’s a filtering problem heading toward catastrophe, because a leader who's already decided someone can't grow will stop giving them the chances that let them grow.

Neither filter is bad. It's protective. Your brain is trying to help you move fast and avoid something painful. But protective and accurate are two different things, and leadership requires accuracy.

What to do instead

This isn't about ignoring your instincts or pretending every warning you get is wrong. It's about slowing down before you let someone else's filter, or your own, make the decision for you. Pay attention.

A few shifts that can change the outcome:

• Calm your body before you respond. Reactive mode and curious mode can't run at the same time. Give yourself a moment before you engage. If you’re not calm, take a moment away.

• Ask before you assume. When someone tells you a person is difficult, ask what that actually looked like. Push for the specific moment, not the generalities.

• Talk less, ask more questions. Most leaders think they're listening. Most are waiting to respond. Genuine listening means asking a second and third question instead of accepting the first answer at face value. Listening deeply and asking open-ended questions is a great tool for coaching and empowering others!

• Notice what isn't said. Tone, body language, hesitation; these tell you more than the words do. Pay attention to what someone doesn't say as closely as what they do.

• Separate the pattern from the incident. One bad interaction is data. It isn't a verdict.

The real cost

Leaders tell me they don't have time for this. Long open-ended conversations, extra questions, slowing down before reacting; it often can feel impossible when the calendar's full.

Here's the problem with skipping these areas. The time you save by skipping the real conversation compounds with interest, on disengaged employees, damaged trust, and talent that walks out the door.

The leaders who get the best out of their people aren't the ones with the sharpest read on what they experience, but they are the ones willing to ask one more question before they decide they already know the answer.

This week: think of one person on your team you've already formed a verdict on. Ask yourself where that truly came from. What experience? What proof?. Then go have the conversation you've been skipping because you thought you already knew how it would go. Communication and leading our teams takes effort, proactive thinking, great listening skills, and a deep understanding of your people.

What would you add to this list?