The Uniform You're Still Wearing at Work: 4 Ways to Start Dropping the Performance

Why trying to sound like every other leader is exhausting you, and how to get back to your roots.

When was the last time you walked into a meeting purely as yourself?

I mean the version of you your friends know, with your laugh, your opinions, your stories, your quirks, and your natural strengths.

If you had to stop and think about it, keep reading….

Years ago, I was in the police academy, hanging from a pull-up bar during a PT test, when a sharp pain shot through my wrist.

My wrists were so small, and injuring one was my biggest fear in that place! I dropped from the bar, and the instructor asked if I had hurt myself.

I said no. I lied, because an injury could push me out of the academy, and standing out for any reason felt dangerous.

The academy rewarded sameness. You earned approval by looking identical to the person next to you: the same cover, the same haircut, boots polished perfectly, not a single loose thread, and a tie knotted just right. In formation, blending in kept you safe and open to learning with no distractions. It worked.

I had never blended in. As a kid, I was taller than everyone else; I came from a multicultural family with little money, and I struggled to fit in. I was shy and a little rebellious at the same time.

So the academy gave me a rule I held onto for years: if you look and sound like everyone else, nobody screams at you.

Everyone around me wanted one thing: don't rock the boat.

I felt truly safe only in the pool and on the range. I was a strong swimmer and a strong shooter, and in those moments my results spoke for me.

That rule followed me into corporate. Nobody inspected anything, though the dress code expected suits every day.  Sameness also showed up in language. I listened to the leaders around me and picked up their jargon, their phrases, and their serious tone. None of it fit me. It felt uncomfortable.

Corporate was more forgiving because being a little different was allowed, but my limiting, learned belief was that you should still blend in and talk like others. So I kept trying, and every borrowed phrase felt like wearing someone else's uniform.

Then I started delivering leadership, sales, and presentations training, and in those first early days, I felt like a stranger in my own sessions. I was calm, polished, and completely disconnected from the room. Putting on that show every day was exhausting, because performing has never been who I am.

So I started bringing myself back in. I told my own stories, the raw and personal ones, instead of borrowed ones. I brought in games, fun, and a lot of laughter and creativity.

Participants leaned in, connected better, and clients opened up. Many of those client relationships turned into friendships that have lasted years, and I value them more than any sales number I ever hit.

Here is what I learned. Blending in has a purpose in formation, and I still credit the academy for my grit and resilience. The cost comes when you take a rule that keeps you safe in one room and carry it into every room for the rest of your career.

The pattern I see in leaders

Most of the leaders I coach are carrying some version of this.

I can usually spot it within the first few minutes. They overthink and overanalyze. They prepare for a one-on-one as if they are walking onto a stage. They hold back their best or true self because somewhere along the way, they decided a different version of them would be more accepted.

I once watched a leader present in a way he believed sounded authoritative and credible. His voice grew louder, his presence was almost overwhelming, and he worked hard to control the room. He had no idea how it landed. To his audience, it felt intimidating, like a performance.

His strong voice is a real advantage. When he pushed it to the point of control, it disconnected him from the people he most wanted to reach. My work with him started there, helping him hear the difference between using his voice to connect and using it to dominate. We worked together to be more natural and “himself” than he thought senior leaders needed in these meetings.

I've also watched leaders stumble over their words in meetings because they reached for language that sounded more corporate, smarter, or more polished. Their ideas were good, and the borrowed language made them harder to follow. Simple words that everyone understands will carry your idea further than jargon ever will.

I see this in almost every leadership session I run. When I ask a group to describe a great leader they know or have met, I routinely get the same responses: a leader who is authentic, transparent, easy to talk to, direct, open, and empathetic.  Sometimes they say they love someone’s sense of humor, but they don’t feel comfortable bringing that side out.

Your leader may not have your sense of humor. That is exactly why yours is worth using.I spend time helping leaders see that their natural gifts should be leveraged, not hidden.

I spend time helping leaders see that their natural gifts should be leveraged, not hidden. 

What this means for you

Picture the version of you that shows up stressed before a presentation or a tough conversation, spending more time preparing to be someone else than preparing what you want to say and how YOU want to say it. That is where so much of the exhaustion comes from. In my experience, clients are most stressed when the way they show up doesn't align with their values and who they are.

So which version of you showed up at work this week?

Think about the last presentation or one-on-one you led. Did the words you used sound like you, or like someone you've watched? Did you hold back a story, a joke, or an opinion because it didn't feel professional enough? If so, you're spending energy on a performance, and the people in the room can usually see right through it.

4 Ways to Get Back to Your Roots

1. Find the rule you're still following. Ask yourself what you are afraid would happen if you showed up as yourself. Then ask where that belief came from. Was it a first boss, a tough early job, or a place where blending in kept you safe? Many of these beliefs made sense once and have expired.

2. Bring the human back to work. What do you enjoy outside of work, and what do you thrive on? Which hobbies and passions do you keep hidden because they don't seem professional? So often, the things people hide are the very things that make them memorable and easy to trust. Bring the sports analogy or hobby analogy into your presentation (just be sure your audience understands it)

3. Adjust without performing. Adjusting to your audience is a skill worth building, and it means using simple words everyone understands, reading the room, and meeting people where they are. The line gets crossed when you borrow someone else's voice, jargon, or presence. Especially in a world that's so multicultural, where colleagues and clients speak multiple languages. Speak simply and concisely. People see through that fast. If you feel insecure or forget something, a little self-deprecating humor will connect far better than a mask ever will.

4. Know your top values (North Star) and let them lead. Name your top three values, then check your words and decisions against them. When you live them, you first become credible to yourself. Every time being yourself works, you build evidence against the old belief that you needed to be someone else.

When the high performers I coach do this work, showing up stops being exhausting. They speak up, share ideas, and lead without bracing for punishment. Work feels easier because they no longer spend energy keeping on a uniform that belongs to someone else, and the facade fades.

What's one part of you that you've been leaving at the door?

Want to know your top 3 values? Take the Values Activity, and you’ll be emailed your top 3.